mummy mummy
Mummy, I’m feeling crappy at the moment. I do not need words of encouragement. I know the full extent of the precariousness and danger of my situation. I have grown up.
Mummy, please, just listen.
Mummy, why do I have so many friends? They are so good to me. But I can’t be as good to them. In fact, I wish I hadn’t had them, so I wouldn’t be so attached to a particular place, just because there are so many of them there.
Mummy, why did you allow me to continue my wayward ways a few years back? Why did I fight, drink and take drugs? Why was I expelled from school? Why did dad wanna put me in Boys’ Home? Why was I allowed the spoils of a mispent youth – I was bailed out and I am now in the center of the world, surrounded by people who have been successful all their lives. Why am I rewarded for my crime? I’m a fish out of water, I do not belong here. I belong with all the rift-rafts and no-lifers, destined to remain below the Henderson poverty line. Now i am here, i frequently alienate my admirable peers with the hangovers of the years mispent.
Mummy why am I here now? Why wasn’t I at Zouk last night? Then jon wouldn’t have stood alone when he was ambushed by five fucking losers! Why did he get the chance to fight, whereas here I have to politicise? I wanted to be there so bad. It has been too long since I felt warm blood on my fist.
Mummy, why do I frequently say things like “I can because I am”, or “don’t hate the player, hate the game”? Do I truly believe so, or am I just vindicating my right to do all things abhorrent?
Mummy, I do not want to do law. The process of artificial reasoning and institutionalised logic has encumbered my freedom of thought and diminished my analytical faculties. It is meant to be an aid, but the reverse operates.
Mummy there is no way I can do well – this I am sure. I am far too distracted in London. I sit on my desk, looking at my Contract textbook and then crack open a beer. I am not going to get a single 2:1, so please don’t expect that. Daddy bought me out of trouble by sending me to Perth and now London, but I am not going to succeed.
Mummy why am I so pathetic in math? That is essentially why I chose law –a utilitarian choice- it constitutes the only arts-based degree that would pay the rent. To paraphrase hongy, I love to luxuriate in the beauty of words, and drink in deep the raw power of literature – that is the one thing in life I know I’m good at. Perhaps if I had been granted some mathematical ability, life would be different now.
Mummy, why do I even have to work? I am in such a lousy position. Daddy is not rich enough to support me for the rest of my life. We are an upper-middle income family at best. And yet I am not poor enough to be hungry enough. I want the high life, I have lived it and am living it now. But I cannot do so, if I fuck up this course or drop out of school. But yet I am not motivated enough to work hard and make something of this degree.
Mummy why am I so whimsical and idealistic? Lawyers and bankers are not involved in any noble pursuit. They would not leave their mark in history, unlike the rulers, historians and philosophers I so admire. I do not wanna die without a legacy, yet the path I have chosen dictates that that is precisely what’s gonna happen.
Mummy why am I so materialistic? If I had been less so, I would be content being a lecturer and can do a course in philosophy, English or history. My fascination with haute couture is such a curse.
Mummy why do I loved to be mothered so much, and yet want to be known as someone deep and matured? I am indeed Watership Down. I love my darling Shijia to death cause she pampers and mothers me, showing so much concern at my well-being and comfort. I love jiejie so much cuz she says I bring out the maternal instinct in her. I am a baby, but I do not want to be. I wanna be an independent adult. Yet that cannot be an absolute want, since I love being mothered.
Mummy please tell me why I’m like that? You are the one who knows me best, after me.
But you can’t, can you? How well you know me is restricted by how well I know thyself.
Mummy, please, just listen.
Mummy, why do I have so many friends? They are so good to me. But I can’t be as good to them. In fact, I wish I hadn’t had them, so I wouldn’t be so attached to a particular place, just because there are so many of them there.
Mummy, why did you allow me to continue my wayward ways a few years back? Why did I fight, drink and take drugs? Why was I expelled from school? Why did dad wanna put me in Boys’ Home? Why was I allowed the spoils of a mispent youth – I was bailed out and I am now in the center of the world, surrounded by people who have been successful all their lives. Why am I rewarded for my crime? I’m a fish out of water, I do not belong here. I belong with all the rift-rafts and no-lifers, destined to remain below the Henderson poverty line. Now i am here, i frequently alienate my admirable peers with the hangovers of the years mispent.
Mummy why am I here now? Why wasn’t I at Zouk last night? Then jon wouldn’t have stood alone when he was ambushed by five fucking losers! Why did he get the chance to fight, whereas here I have to politicise? I wanted to be there so bad. It has been too long since I felt warm blood on my fist.
Mummy, why do I frequently say things like “I can because I am”, or “don’t hate the player, hate the game”? Do I truly believe so, or am I just vindicating my right to do all things abhorrent?
Mummy, I do not want to do law. The process of artificial reasoning and institutionalised logic has encumbered my freedom of thought and diminished my analytical faculties. It is meant to be an aid, but the reverse operates.
Mummy there is no way I can do well – this I am sure. I am far too distracted in London. I sit on my desk, looking at my Contract textbook and then crack open a beer. I am not going to get a single 2:1, so please don’t expect that. Daddy bought me out of trouble by sending me to Perth and now London, but I am not going to succeed.
Mummy why am I so pathetic in math? That is essentially why I chose law –a utilitarian choice- it constitutes the only arts-based degree that would pay the rent. To paraphrase hongy, I love to luxuriate in the beauty of words, and drink in deep the raw power of literature – that is the one thing in life I know I’m good at. Perhaps if I had been granted some mathematical ability, life would be different now.
Mummy, why do I even have to work? I am in such a lousy position. Daddy is not rich enough to support me for the rest of my life. We are an upper-middle income family at best. And yet I am not poor enough to be hungry enough. I want the high life, I have lived it and am living it now. But I cannot do so, if I fuck up this course or drop out of school. But yet I am not motivated enough to work hard and make something of this degree.
Mummy why am I so whimsical and idealistic? Lawyers and bankers are not involved in any noble pursuit. They would not leave their mark in history, unlike the rulers, historians and philosophers I so admire. I do not wanna die without a legacy, yet the path I have chosen dictates that that is precisely what’s gonna happen.
Mummy why am I so materialistic? If I had been less so, I would be content being a lecturer and can do a course in philosophy, English or history. My fascination with haute couture is such a curse.
Mummy why do I loved to be mothered so much, and yet want to be known as someone deep and matured? I am indeed Watership Down. I love my darling Shijia to death cause she pampers and mothers me, showing so much concern at my well-being and comfort. I love jiejie so much cuz she says I bring out the maternal instinct in her. I am a baby, but I do not want to be. I wanna be an independent adult. Yet that cannot be an absolute want, since I love being mothered.
Mummy please tell me why I’m like that? You are the one who knows me best, after me.
But you can’t, can you? How well you know me is restricted by how well I know thyself.
3 Comments:
you just want to escape into something you're familiar with..something which doesnt take so much out of you..something which doesnt give people any reason to have any sort of expectation from you cos thats so much easier than facing life everyday..trying to be someone you're not just because you've to fit into the cookie-cutter perception of a law student. it so much easier to deem yourself worthless, call yourself a paikia, and shrug off any kind of responsibility you have to yourself and your parents who have slogged to get you here. but why do you condemn yourself and see nothing worthwhile in pursuing this path you’ve chosen to take? the fact that you;ve made it this far is testimony to your ability to soar, if you’d let yourself. You don’t have to feel like you’ve to become what people think you should be. Just be yourself and do your thing, don’t let your insecurities eat you up and undermine what you’ve achieved so far. take heart my friend, things will work out your way :)
i wish i cld believe that.
i really do
to quote from my favourite book,
the mark of a immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
-jd salinger, catcher in the rye
nothing much else to say here, but hope to talk to u soon.
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